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....I seriously want to like die

Im never going to be happy. I'm never going to feel loved. Thats it. I will always be triggered before I can even begin to recover. I will never be skinny enough. I will never be pretty enough. I will never be perfect. This is a lonely disease...and only one way out. I wish things could end up different for me, but theyre not going to. they never will. I can either accept that, and wait for this inevitable demise. Or I can do this now. I'm most likely going to follow through with the first option, seeing as I dont want to die being this huge fat slob. hope all is well with everyone else.

Current weight: 108
current height: 5'2
fasting day: 3

camp this weekend

Well got soccer camp this weekend through my school. This is great...I wont have to worry about anyone forcing grossness down my throat :)      thats always a plus. And soccer for 6 hours a day, for 4 days....plenty of exercise :D   cannot wait

back

haha so I got down to 110 and thought I looked good.....but now I know I dont...like on facebook on the compare people application, I was ranked 137 on best body....yeah i am new to facebook but still. I was stupid to ever think I looked good and that I didn't need any  of this. So girls I apologize for like abandoning ya'll for a while :'( 

I'm slightly happier

This whole situation is a total beeyotch. But I am feeling alot better than I was. Grahams dad is not letting him see me for an entire week hoping that he'll just forget about me and break up or something. Ha, not happening. At least I hope not. Like, my feelings for him aren't as strong as they have been. I used to have it engraved into me that if we ever did break up, I would turn towards suicide. But now...it's like I know I could survive.

My mom has gotten some GREAT job offers down in Florida. There are four good things to that. One, we'd be thousands of miles away from my dad. Two, we won't have the crappy Ohio weather. Three, my mom will make ALOT more (I'm talking a six figure salary here). And lastly (relating to the finances), theres an inpatient clinic around 45 minutes from where we would move and my mom could easily afford to help me get better. And after all this one may be puzzled why the hell I'm still in Ohio.

The answer to that is Graham. Seriously, I hate my school. The area I live in is full of rich snobs who just love to spit on "poor people" like me. And then these are just the cattiest people I've ever come across in my life. And I put up with and tollerate everything simply because I love him.

So in the heat of the moment, I gave Graham an ultimatum. Either things get better with family relations and he tells them to back off, or I'm gone. He gets upset and says "well if we do, can we still keep in touch and be friends?" I told him no, that in fact I would burn everything he ever gave me, anything that reminded me of him, and anything I acquired myself throughtout our relationship. He gets quiet and then says "well I would need to know that you are okay and alive. Hear your voice." And me being the cold hearted bitch that I am replied "I wouldn't even want to look at you if we ended."

The next day when we both were more rational, I apologized. But.....I did kinda mean what I said. Wow I'm awful...at least I recognize it though. I don't wanna be one of those people who are delusional of their actions. I'm fully aware of what I say and do. I'm just blunt I guess. I cut out all the bullshit and tell it like it is....no necessarily a good quality, but I suppose its not a bad one either. Oh well.

Oh!!! So today I was so happy! I went shopping and got a pair of size 0 shorts at H&M!!!!! (^.^)     And then.....went to Buckle....and they don't even carry a size small enough for me :) yay! so I'm happy for now. Tomarrow will change though. I'm still not perfect yet.

ugh pls give me your take on this

I feel like the whole world is ganging up on me. mainly just my boyfriends family. Apparently I've just been stressing him out lately with my issues. I don't even talk about it to him. He's worrying on his own, which is ridiculous I'm not like emaciated or dying or whatever. But anyways so last night his family had like a family conference with him. Basically his sister his dad and his dad's girlfriend were like break up with her, she's a crappy gf, if she really loved you she would take care of herself, and saying how I like abuse his emotions or something. And the only person really sticking up for me was his stepdad. It sounds like it got a little heated cause graham's dad totally crossed the line and called me a whore or something. And his stepdad was sticking up for me I guess. I don't think Graham did.,....I think he was overwhelmed. So Graham calls me while I'm at a bonfire, so I head to the front of the house to talk briefly. 

He wouldn't tell me everything then. But he's like I'm not breaking up with you, but things need to change. And he like told me he'd tell me everything in person and like I was just freaking out. So he hung up and then I just start walking and I'm crying and whatnot. Then I try his cell cause I'm like we need to talk this over now. So his dad took his phone I guess. And he's like "Don't call my son." and then I'm like oh....sorry (fighting back tears mind you) Then he says "You've caused enough damage for one day, young lady". and then he hangs up.

I don't think this is fair at all to me.  Especially when their own daughter is going through something similar. They can't just expect me to just eat from now on and for things to be peachy. Like his sister's like well just go get treatment. Thats not simple. My medical insurance suscks and only covers therapy. So if I were to go into an outpatient type thing or what have you, my family has to pay for everything. Shits expensive. And theyre freaking rich so they just don't understand that at all.

But at this point, I might go into treatment (if I had the money) to save my relationship. But going into that just to stay with Graham won't change me. I have to want to change for myself. And I'm just not at that point in my life just yet.

Hope yall are well.

eff my life

 Ugh...having a terrible day. I've just been really contemplating about quiting treatment. I mean it wasn't helping me anyway...but i don't know. And then it's just like I'm placing my happiness on a number. Well I wasn't even close to happy evan at my lowest weight which is nearly ten less than the weight I wish to be now. So whats the point in anything anymore? I won't be happy no matter how much I lose and I will never be happy at my current weight either. This is just a battle I am not meant to win. I won't ever achieve happiness nor perfection. I guess I'm just destined to be miserable...but who knows.

So I've just been thinking alot about that. My boyfriend's really starting to piss me off. He cares way more about his sister than me I feel, and it's hurting me which is twisted. I don't want him nagging on me. But he nags at his sister all the time for her binge episodes. He's trying to help her get better which I think is good. But at the same time I feel like I'm getting the shaft. I don't want help. Nor will it benefit me at all. But like I feel like he cares more for her because he's never actually attempted to help me get better. Like yeah sometimes he'll be like "please eat", but with her I mean he's taking the time to workout with her like every week and stay with her every night to make sure she doesnt or whatever. I know I'm being so selfish. I can't help it. I want him all to myself, even though I won't benefit at all from it. 

I feel like I want out of this feeling so bad...but at the same time I need it. I need it to fall back on. This is my security blanket and where I'm comfortable. Everytime I do try to get better and eat I always end up being triggered by people around me engaging in such behaviors or just looking in the mirror and having my big ol' thick thighs staring back at me. I feel so torn. I want to be happy and for things to be simple like they were when I was a child. Sadly it won't.

My mum is threatening to take me to the hospital. She knows I havent been eating because I've been so tired lately and whatnot. I've been faking eating in front of her. Guess she's paranoid. I have no idea if its just a threat or if she's being for real on this whole hospital thing. But guess we'll both find out. If I don't post for a while, you'll know why.

I'm so confused and depressed and angry... I feel helpless. How in the hell am I so depressed?! tomarows my last day of school? whatever....maybe tomarrow will be better. But I doubt it.

Poem, dissecting, and blah

 Yo! Haha, so if you read one of my previous posts, you'll know I had to dissect a baby piggy today XP    And of coarse I ended up getting like the most imcompetant lab partner possible...ew...  To top it off my teacher was like oh you have a future in doing autopsy's Audrey! since I was one of two people who didn't like eff up their pigs haha. Great way to ruin your appetite for future refference....

My bf might be getting a livejournal too soon. I kinda hope he doesn't find me on here....I don't want him to be disturbed by like what I discuss on here and what not....idk

Ha, um little something I wrote a bit ago...please tell me what you think...I'm very shy about my writing lol I can't believe I'm posting this haha.

Untitled

Hunger pains and vomit stains,
dont ask me how I've been.
Mascara runs and loaded guns,
it happens now and then.
Lost numbers don't mean anything.
Yet they are everything.
Know them.
Love them.
Hate them.
And make damn sure.
Look me in the eyes.
Tell me I'm unbeautiful.
Help me fantacize
and become what you've became.
Emulation, adolation;
it's my safety net.
They tell you lies to ostracize;
ninety-four, never forget.





Uh....Ima leave now lol...I'm embarassed *blush* haha

Ugh hate this so flipping much

 Two sucky days in a row....

Today I had to purge. I had to. Like okay so I don't binge or eat in large quatities or whatever. But I caved in to a craving....a frosted brownie (appx 240 calories). I need more control. Like I know that eating the food isn't worth it cause it only feels good for a seccond, and then you feel like ya wanna die. But somehow today I managed to slip. Joy....but I guess at least I purged. Then took deuretics afterwards of coarse....I refuse to feel bloaty. 

Went for a run afterwards with the dog....he like totally knocked me over on a busy street >.<   lol guess running in the heat with a 65 pound dog isnt the greatest idea after a puke fest haha.

I miss my boyfriend like crazy. We both can't stand not seeing each other even for one day....And I know I'm only 16, but i KNOW this is who I will spend the rest of my life with. This is the happiest I've ever been, and it's all because of him. I've stopped cutting, stopped partying, stopped smoking, stopped using speed....and it's all bc of him. He's also made me partly content to where I am in my life. I've come to terms with the fact I have an ED and that treatment is a waste of my time. But he's also helping me out making sure I stay decently healthy throughout this....dragging me to the free clinic every so often for ekg's and all that fun shit. I love him more than anything...including (dare I say it?) ana. He's the reason I breathe... Graham is the most beautiful person in the entire world...I'm the luckiest girl in the world to have even crossed paths with him.

He's been having a rather rough time though. With his bigorexia. He had it under control for awhile, not going overboard with his body building and whatnot. But recently...I sadly can't say the same. so as of now he's 155. When I first met him (a month or so before we started dating) he was 115. He's 5'7. So he's put on roughly 40 pounds of muscle in the past seven months, not to mention going from 8 to 4 percent of body fat....    Lately Graham's been taking everything so seriously. He wigs out when he can't make it to the gym or when he doesn't hit his weight lifting reccords (like today he was all pissed that he ONLY dead lifted 335) He's taking in around 10,000 cals aday (6,000 of which are protein shakes). That much protein is bound to give him ulcers. Another thing he's starting to take is creatine, which if you know what that is you'll know it can cause kidney failure. That worries me alot. Like his friend gave me Graham's creatine to give to him at school. so i just chucked it in my purse planning to throw it out. Then Graham's "Where the f@#k is my creatine?!" Grahams never been an angry person.....so I just gave it to him. I also think he may be taking steroids....but he denies this. I'll keep an eye on him.

 

Stay strong

Wow today sucked...

Okay so boyfriend went to Wendys...joy. He knew not to offer to buy anything for me. I hate sitting with people and watching them eat though....its repulsing. I had to hold myself back from just like slapping the sandwich out of his hand and scream at him for putting poison into his body.

I'm pretty good with that though....I don't force my behaviors onto people. Hell many people don't even know.

Didn't see the rest of the strangers.....pls like email me or something to tell me how it ends. Basically I had a major freakout and was bawling and shit and Graham and me went back to my place. Idk what I was freaking out about....I get really competitive with his sister which i know is totally messed up. She's bulimic. She's stabbed me in the back before by like informing their rents that I restrict food and self injure and shit. And she's just fucking gorgeous. Blonde, petite, great smile....god I hate her. But she is kinda chubby to me. One of the downsides of purging..retains water easier. 

But yeah so he said something about how pretty his sister looked at prom and how good she looked in her dress. That hurt me so much....like I felt like he was telling me I was unattractive and big or whatever. Also just haven't taken my mood stabilizers for awhile cause they make you sick when your stomachs not full (I've been fasting since Wednesday).

So then my boyfriend and me napped....the sleep helped a ton. And hate this, but he got me to eat. I had a granola bar. 140 calories of nastiness. Gross I know. I can't believe I caved. I'm disgusting. After though he wanted to exercise so we went to the neighborhood pool. Cept I can't swim (embarassing...lol who the fuck is 16 and can't swim?!). So he was like trying to teach me. It prolly didn't help that I wore like an XXL tee over my suit. He was pissed about that cause he said he wanted to see my sexiness *rolls eyes*. Yeah whatever. Once I'm down to at least 105 ish I cant get into a whole piece, MAYBE a tankini. A bikini when Im around 90....

And now we're watching my bro's while my moms on a date. He's making them some mac n cheese or something. Keeps coming over to the computer trying to read my journal....nosy much?

okay, starve and strive!

-Audrey

Bout to see the strangers

 Leaving in an hour with Graham. He's still bulking. Ha ain't it weird for someone like me to be with an aspiring bodybuilder? haha...he's not huge now though. He's 5'7 and 153. Got a nice six pack. I'll post pics sometime. 

He's going to want lunch. Which is fine. I'll pay for him. He knows I wont eat. and he's fine with that. Damn I've got the perfect guy. I've been lightheaded on and off today...hopefuly I won't collapse or whatever today. I havent for awhile. I'll be able to eat tuesday though, a handful of grapes or so.

My dogs like eating my leg right now haha. I best be going. Ta-ta...